From Shame to Strength: My Story of Recovery from Bulimia

My earliest childhood memories were of feeling uncomfortable in my own body, happy with nothing, nothing warm, and nothing pleasant. I just remember feeling awkward, strange, and like I was somehow faulty or broken.

I Have Vague Memories Of Being A Young Girl In Nursery School.

Seeing what to me looked like long, beautiful, flowing hair tied up with ribbons that bobbed and bounced in the wind, mine was cut short. I remember seeing swirly skirts and silky dresses that sparkled and shone along with their owner’s pretty smiles. I just didn’t have those, nor would I have fit into them if I did.

It all looked like a distant, unobtainable world that I just didn’t hold a place in, even when I was that small. I had no sense of being a little girl; I knew that I was, certainly so, but I also knew I was very overweight, and my appearance alienated me from my peers and led to me being laughed at and isolated. I always felt like some sort of disfigured and damaged entity, unable to work out where I fit in or who I was or who I should be.

I left school at 13 and started making myself sick around that time. I was very overweight, and I had a binge-eating disorder. It was sporadic at first, hard to hide, and I was confused and terrified. There was no internet, no discussions around eating disorders back then. I just knew I wasn’t “normal,” which just added to my shame and self-disgust.

In my late teens, I went on “the diet” from which I developed Anorexia. The more weight I lost (70 kg in total, I think it was), the more congratulations I got. I began to be looked at as a “woman,” and men started to notice me. My whole reality changed. People commented on my success, my long slim legs, and how pretty I was under all that “fat.” I wasn’t letting go of this high for anything or anyone. I became addicted to exercise and continued to starve to get my body smaller and smaller. Two apples, two yogurts a day, every day, without fail. I was so rigid and controlled.

Then one day, I couldn’t control my appetite anymore. I remember every second of that day so very vividly; I ate more or less an entire loaf of bread and butter due to sheer starvation, rapidly with no restraint or control, and felt absolutely mortified. I clearly remember the shock, horror, and disgust, almost as if I could feel the weight reforming on my body, right there in that moment, terrified I was returning to my painful past. I ran to the bathroom and made myself sick.

At the time, it was different from the overeating sickness as a child. It was violent and determined. I forced and forced and didn’t stop until I felt empty. After I felt like I had taken it all away, stopped myself from returning to hell, I laid on the floor exhausted and dizzy but so very relieved.

From that day on, it felt like I had found a magical formula. The relief was instant, and I had pressed reset. I had erased the binge, each and every day, and all was ok again. And in my mind, I found the answer, the “get off binge and stay slim” free card.

That was day 1 of the severe and daily assault of binge-purge bulimia that I inflicted upon my body from 18 to 38. I became rapidly addicted after realizing I could now consume whatever I wanted to, and as the purging increased, so did the amounts of food I ate. I found myself bingeing and purging for hours on end,sometimes up to six-day.

It was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t break. I would restrict my food intake during the day, and then binge and purge at night. I became increasingly isolated, trying to work and maintain normality while hiding what I was doing. I was deeply ashamed of my behavior and body and felt like I was living a double life.

The physical toll of bulimia was severe. I eventually lost my career and most of my friends. My teeth were very damaged from the harsh and eroding exposure to stomach acid, and I was constantly in pain. I was tired all the time, and my immune system was weakened. But the emotional toll was even worse. I was consumed by shame, guilt, and self-hatred. I felt like a failure and a fraud. I was trapped in my own mind, and I couldn’t find a way out. The binge/purge cycles of bulimia affected me, and indeed I suffered from brain chemistry massively.

Key neurotransmitters were disrupted, one of which is the serotonin function, which plays a critical role in regulating mood, appetite, and satiety. Another neurotransmitter affected by bulimia is dopamine, which is involved in reward processing and motivation. Studies have shown that people with bulimia have altered dopamine activity in their brains, which may contribute to their feelings of pleasure, euphoria, and relief during and after binge eating episodes. This is exactly how I felt. The whole cycle was like a high I had to obtain, the eating and then the severe vomiting until I could see clear water or blood. I would count 1–1000, 4 or 5 times over and over. I couldn’t miss a number or I’d have to restart. It was all-consuming, painful, and completely and utterly out of my control.

Bulimia can also lead to hormonal imbalances, like changes in the levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, and leptin, a hormone that regulates appetite and metabolism. These hormonal changes can further impact brain chemistry and contribute to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Of course, the actual actions of what I was doing impounded this even further, and I was diagnosed with psychosis at one point.

In addition to these chemical changes, bulimia can also lead to structural changes in the brain, including alterations in gray matter volume and functional connectivity. These changes may be related to the chronic stress and emotional dysregulation associated with the disorder. I, of course, didn’t know that at the time, but when I look back, it makes so much sense. I had no personality. I was numb, dead inside. The condition had taken over every aspect of my existence. It’s like being trapped behind a misted window that you can’t quite see through, but you are aware that there is a normal life out there, just out of your reach.

Overall, the effects of bulimia on brain chemistry are complex and multifaceted, and further research is needed to fully understand the underlying mechanisms. I definitely became someone else as the condition took over. The changes in my brain, of course, affected my personality, and I changed. I strongly believe, and I see this in my clients and in my practice, that the disorder is most definitely not an intrinsic “part” of a person. It is a learned behavior in response to a certain situation or scenario. The brain chemistry changes just to solidify the conditions of power as the addiction takes over.

I tried to get help, trying every conventional method I possibly could, but it seemed like no one understood what I was going through. Doctors would tell me to just stop bingeing and purging, as if it were that simple. They shamed me into confessing the foods I binged on, the amounts, numbers, and scales, but none of it helped me. Therapists would tell me to talk about my feelings, but it didn’t help me at all; I felt like I was completely on my own.

In the end, it was a near-death experience that finally pushed me to find my way out. I was vomiting blood, passing out every day, and my body weight was critically low. My children didn’t deserve to lose their mother. I remember looking into the innocent, bright, clear, and beautiful eyes of my now-grown eldest daughter and realizing I had to stay alive, I had to find a way out, for my children, their dad, and mostly for myself.

Slowly but surely, I started to develop my recovery method. It wasn’t easy. I had to confront all the pain and trauma that had led me to develop bulimia in the first place. I had to really examine my behavior, think outside the box as to how I was going to get myself free. Conventional approaches had never helped me; I needed to find another way. Through analysis and stepping outside myself and trying to look in, I was able to work out a new approach and really start to change my behavior and retrain my brain to think differently about food and my body.

I use the same method that I broke free with now in practice. It’s very different from conventional treatments. I focus on a different approach altogether from mainstream ideas. My method is dynamic and proactive, but it is also born from a place of knowing. Some experiences you just cannot learn from a book; you need to have really been there, felt it to truly understand.

I am a qualified therapist now, but it isn’t that that gives me the level of depth and understanding I have of my clients’ battles and pain. Now, 9 years later, I can say that I am fully recovered. I was diagnosed with Osteopenia via a bone DEXA scan years ago. My bone measurements were right on the borderline of Osteoporosis, and I now have completely normal bone density. My metabolism, gut motility, and all other medical issues I suffered from are now gone. Emotionally, I am now a strong, resilient woman and truly in love with myself inside and out.

Recovery from Bulimia and Binge Purge Anorexia is completely possible with the right approach and methodology. I am living proof of that!